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Preparing for and having difficult conversations

Examples and tips for behaviour support practitioners

HomePreparing for and having difficult conversations
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Getting started with discussions about behaviours of concern

Having difficult conversations is stressful at any time, let alone if you are someone living with a disability who is needing to talk about personal things that are naturally the focus of behaviour support planning, such as behaviours of concern.

These conversations can be stressful not only for someone talking about their life and their behaviour, but also for others in the conversation. As the behaviour support practitioner, you will need to guide these conversations.

Planning and some key principles can help you with this process and ensure a focus on engaging with the person in a way that makes them as comfortable as possible. This helps the behaviour support planning process to be a positive one. It will also mean that the resulting plan is one that:

Before you get started

Consider these things before you start the conversation:

1.How does the person you are supporting communicate?

Familiarise yourself with their preferred communication methods and know how to use those methods effectively to communicate authentically with the person.

You may wish to review:

2.Who needs to be part of the conversation?

Consider who else might need to be a part of the conversation (e.g., a member of the person’s family, a support worker, a health care professional, etc.) and ensure that they are available to participate in the conversation and understand the reason why the conversation needs to take place. Make sure to check your participant is comfortable having the conversation with this person present.

3.When and where is best to have the conversation?

Such conversations should be held at a time and place that is most convenient and comfortable for the person you are supporting to ensure that they are coming into the conversation settled and calm.

Key difficult topics in the behaviour support process

The following topics may be difficult to discuss with people with disabilities when it comes to behaviour support planning (please note this list is not exhaustive):

  • Conflicts with key people in the person’s life, such as family members, co-residents or housemates, and support staff, that may be impacting the person’s behaviour.
  • The person with disability’s behaviours of concern, including why they occur, what happens when they occur and their impact on the person and others.
  • The content of a person’s behaviour support plan, including the proposed strategies and any restrictions placed on the person.
  • Negotiating boundaries or expectations when it comes to behaviour support planning and positive behaviour support strategies.
  • Safety versus dignity of risk – balancing the need to keep people safe, while also allowing people to take appropriate risks.
  • The proposed use of any restrictive practices to keep the person and others safe.
  • Emotions/feelings like grief and loss and trauma.
  • Medical, mental health or health concerns that may be impacting their behaviours.
  • How the person’s disability might impact on the person’s ability to understand and make decisions related to behaviour support and how this will impact their engagement in behaviour support planning (e.g., capacity to make decisions and consent).
  • Changes to a person’s routine or environment that may be unexpected or not preferred, and how to manage this effectively.

Remember

A person can choose NOT to be part of a conversation and how involved they wish to be.

This needs to be respected and if this is the case, behaviour support practitioners need to have a ‘Plan B’ around who is the next appropriate person in the participant’s personal or professional support networks to have this difficult conversation with.

Video still from the resource Different Communication Techniques

Preparing for difficult conversations (examples and tips)

10 tips for preparing for difficult behaviour support discussions

In situations when difficult conversations happen, it is important to make sure the conversation meets the person’s communication style and needs.

Using clear language, visual supports, and a calm, patient approach can help make these conversations easier to have. Asking your peers for advice is also a great source of information. Hear what your peers have to say about having difficult conversations about restrictive practices and making behaviour support plans work.

1.Be clear about your purpose

Know why you're having the conversation and what outcome you hope for. Stay focused on that goal.

Goals might include:

  • improving the participant’s quality of life,
  • making sure people’s rights are respected,
  • ensuring everyone is working together,
  • ensuring the agreed goals and strategies are implemented,
  • keeping people safe.

2.Choose the right time and place

Pick a setting where both of you can talk openly without distractions or pressure. Timing matters—don’t start the conversation when emotions are high. Sometimes, having a chat (or a yarn) can ease any pressure and ‘reset’ the mood so the difficult conversation can take place.

Things to consider include:

  • should the conversation take place in private room (or out in the garden) at the participant’s home?
  • should the conversation take place away from the participant’s home (at an office off-site, or in a park down the street)?
  • should the conversation take place with someone else present or someone else close to hand if they need to be called in at some point?

3.Stay calm and respectful

Keep your tone even and avoid blaming or attacking the other person. Respect goes a long way in tough conversations.

It is important to:

  • ask the person about what they think the conversation is about and why it is needed,
  • be clear about your concerns and ask them if they have concerns too,
  • be clear that you are interested in what they have to say, and what their opinion is / how they think things are going.

4.Listen more than you speak

Really hear what the other person is saying. Let them finish before responding and ask questions to make sure you understand their point of view. This is one of their communication rights.

You might ask them:

  • about the behaviours of concern,
  • what they think about the support strategies,
  • if they think the strategies could be used in a different way,
  • if they think any other strategies could be used and, if so, how?

5.Use ‘I’ statements instead of ‘you’ statements

Saying ‘I feel hurt when...’ is better than ‘You always do this!’ It makes the conversation less confrontational.

Try, instead:

  • ‘I don’t understand what you are trying to tell me when you [behave in a particular way].....’
  • ‘I don’t understand why we can’t get these strategies to work, do you have any suggestions?’
  • ‘Is there something else I could do to make this easier / help this to work?’

6.Stick to facts, not assumptions

Talk about what actually happened, not what you think their intentions were. Assumptions can lead to misunderstandings.

Try, instead:

  • ‘I was confused about why [.........] happened, can you help me understand?’
  • ‘when [.........] I was expecting that [.........] can you help me understand?’

7.Acknowledge their feelings

You don’t have to agree, but showing you understand their emotions helps build trust and reduces defensiveness.

Try, instead:

  • ‘it seems that you might have been thinking / feeling ...’
  • ‘I can understand that you might have been thinking / feeling...’
  • ‘if I’d been in a similar situation, I would have likely been thinking / feeling...’

8.Be open to compromise

Difficult conversations are not about ‘winning’. Be flexible and look for solutions that work for both of you.

Try, suggesting:

  • ‘we can work together work make this happen.’
  • ‘what do you think might work?’

9.Take breaks if needed

If emotions run too high, it's okay to pause and continue later when both of you are calmer.

Try suggesting:

  • ‘now might not be the right time to have this conversation, how about we meet again [agree a place, date, & time]?’
  • ‘before we continue this conversation, it might be a good idea if [agree on some activity to prepare for the next meeting].’

10.End with a clear next step

Summarise what was discussed and agree on what happens next. This helps prevent misunderstandings and keeps things moving forward.

Try saying:

  • ‘what we have talked about today has been [.........].’
  • ‘before we meet again I need to [...........] and I’d like you to [...........].’
  • ‘...and then, when we next catch up we will [...........].’

Next steps

Also see:

Other useful links (external sources):